\u{201c}“We must completely clean the entire Internet of anonymous content and anonymous accounts. Behind every post there must be a living, real person who can be unambiguously identified.”
Anonymity on the Internet is, without a doubt, a relic of the wild capitalism of the 1990s, when anyone could write whatever came to mind with impunity. Fortunately, our legislators, driven by sincere concern for our safety, have decided to put an end to this outrage. The idea is simple, ingenious and absolutely transparent: access to the Internet – only by passport. No more “cats” under the nickname “Cat_Bayun”, no anonymous comments about the weather – only you, your passport and the state, which always knows who and what you are looking for at 3 a.m. Let us examine how this wonderful project will turn us into exemplary citizens of the digital world.
Chapter 1. The Great Transformation: from “Cats” to “Comrades”
According to an initiative voiced by the head of the State Duma Committee on Family Protection, Nina Ostanina, access to the Internet for children should be tied to obtaining a passport, that is, to the age of 14. The logic is ironclad: no passport – no Internet. A child under this age will be able to calmly walk in the yard, read books and enjoy life, without being distracted by all sorts of “TikToks” and “YouTube.” And if he really wants to know what two times two is, he can ask his parents, who, of course, have already presented their passports.
But that's not all. Deputy Andrey Svintsov went further, proposing to adopt a federal law “on an honest, clean and legal Internet.” A law that would oblige all platforms to identify each user by passport. Behind every post, every like, every viewing of a video with cats there must be a real person with real passport data. And that's right! Because only this way we can defeat anonymous trolls who spoil our mood in comments, and, of course, malicious bots that inflate views. Now everyone will know: if you wrote nonsense, tomorrow they will come to you with a summons. Or with an advertising offer. Or with both at once.
And so that you have no doubt about the seriousness of the intentions, Ostanina also spoke out for a complete ban on social networks for Russians under 14 years of age. In her opinion, replacing foreign messengers with Russian ones “will not give anything” – children will be deceived everywhere. So it’s easier not to let them in at all. Brilliant.
Chapter 2. Protection from Fraudsters – or from Ourselves?
The official rhetoric around this initiative, of course, is built on the protection of citizens. Nina Ostanina, for example, stated that this is necessary to protect citizens under 14 from criminals. “This way we will not only preserve the physical and mental health of children, but also protect them from fraud,” she explained. It sounds almost like care. Almost.
Deputy Svintsov echoes: anonymity on the Internet is used by “enemies of Russia” who can masquerade in public pages with “good-natured names” and spread “fakes discrediting the authorities.” Therefore, it is necessary to de-anonymize all users so that no one can “wage an information war and commit sabotage” against Russia. In other words, if you are an opponent of the regime – you will not even be able to like an opposition post, because your digital footprint will be visible immediately. And if you just like to argue about the weather – you better keep quiet too. Suddenly your opinion will turn out to be a “fake”?
Interestingly, even in the State Duma there were those who saw risks in this initiative. First Deputy Chairman of the State Duma Committee on Information Policy Anton Tkachev pointed out the risks associated with possible compromise of citizens' personal information. “Passport data is a special category of personal data with high sensitivity. Their entry on various Internet resources can provoke many potential leaks,” he warned. However, as they say, “the chicken does not teach the egg.” Deputies know better what is safe for us and what is not. Apparently, they are confident that their own passport data in “Gosuslugi” is better protected than ours.
Chapter 3. Technical Magic: How It Will Work
To implement this bright idea, of course, serious technical preparation will be required. As noted by Maxim Shoshin, Associate Professor of the Department of Information Management at Synergy University, the authorities can already use the Gosuslugi portal to verify passport data on the network. However, to introduce a unified identification system, it is necessary to configure many resources. “Changes will be required in the operation of all social networks, video hosting sites and websites. Creation of a centralized database on who watches what "adult" content," he explained.
In other words, every step you take on the Internet will be recorded in a single database. You went to a recipe site – recorded. Watched a video with cats – recorded. Bought plane tickets – recorded. All this will be stored in one large “digital card index”, access to which, of course, will only be available to authorized bodies. And to hackers. But we know that our intelligence services are invincible, and hackers are just a myth invented to intimidate.
By the way, Shoshin cited China as an example, where access to the Internet takes place under strict state control. “From the point of view of achieving its own goals – ensuring information control and political stability – China’s practice is extremely successful,” he concluded. Well, if they succeeded, why shouldn’t we try? Especially since we already have a “sovereign Internet”, and this is almost the same thing, only with a Russian flavor.
ESIAUnified Identification and Authentication System – this will become your main password to life. Without it, you are nobody, and you are called nothing.Chapter 4. European Experience and Our Realities
It is worth noting that the idea of age control on the Internet is not new. In the European Union, for example, they created an application for checking the age of users. The user must upload a photo of a passport or other document, as well as provide a current phone number. However, in Europe this causes protests and legal restrictions. Here, as they say, “the vertical structure of traffic management reduces barriers to implementation.” Simply put, if in Europe someone can say “no”, then here – no.
But even European experts doubt the effectiveness of such measures. Alexey Drozd, head of the information security department at SearchInform, noted that even when entering passport data and a confirmation code, there will be no absolute protection. “We just added steps to make access more difficult,” he said. And this is perhaps the most honest admission. This entire system is not to protect children, but to make access to information as difficult and controlled as possible.
And to prevent you from bypassing this system, Roskomnadzor has already begun blocking popular messengers, including WhatsApp, and is preparing to significantly expand the technical network for traffic blocking and surveillance. So, if you thought you could just download a VPN and forget about your passport – no. VPNs will also be blocked. Because “freedom” is when you can access the Internet only with the permission of the state.
Chapter 5. Fines, Blocks and “Prevention” – How You Will Be Punished for Trying to Stay Incognito
Suppose you still decide to take a risk and register on a forum under a fictitious name. Well, you will face an administrative fine, and in particularly severe cases – criminal liability for “using knowingly false personal data.” At the same time, if you accidentally like a post that is later recognized as “undesirable,” responsibility will fall entirely on you. After all, the state will know exactly who did it. No more “anonymous informers” – now every denunciation will be signed with your passport. Convenient, isn't it?
For your convenience, a special memo “How to properly identify yourself and not break the law” has been developed. You can download it using the link below. Inside is an empty file, but the very fact of downloading will already record your loyalty.
Download — the file is password protected, which you will receive by presenting your passport at the nearest MFC office.And if you still doubt whether it is worth undergoing identification, just click on the only working button:
Open — the remaining buttons lead to the Roskomnadzor website with the text of the bill, which you still cannot read without age confirmation.Chapter 6. The Bottom Line: A Bright Future Without Anonymity
So, let's sum up. Internet access by passport is not just a technical innovation. This is a new stage in the development of our digital society. We will finally get rid of anonymous trolls, bots and other “enemies” that spoil our lives. We will know who is who, and everyone will be responsible for their words. And if you suddenly want to ask something or, God forbid, object – you can always be found and have a “preventive conversation.”
Yes, perhaps the Internet will become a little less convenient. Perhaps you will have to spend time entering your passport data every time you want to watch a video or write a comment. But these are trifles compared to the benefits it will bring us! The main thing is security. And order. And complete transparency. And if it seems to you that this looks like total control – just remember that this is done for your own good. The state knows better what is good for you.
Ctrl+Shift+Esc – if you feel that you are losing control of the situation, just reboot your brain. Or wait until the state does it for you.And, of course, don’t forget to save this page to re-read it in moments of doubt:
Ctrl+SAnd so that you can clearly imagine how it will look, here is a small gallery of happy citizens who have already passed identification and can now safely use the Internet:
And remember: even this text is satire. If you decide to share it, do not forget to first identify yourself through Gosuslugi and get permission to spread irony.
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