“The scariest forecasts are the ones that come true. But ours don’t come true because we don’t make them” — this phrase was once uttered by a TV expert, and it became the motto of our entire post-2026 era. The year 2026 is drawing to a close, and the whole country is holding its breath in anticipation of a miracle. No, not a New Year’s miracle — a miracle called “what’s next?” While some TV experts are broadcasting about stability and growth, others, less conscious, paint bleak pictures of the future. Who to believe? Of course, us — because we have collected all the most striking forecasts and turned them into an exciting journey through post-2026 Russia. Fasten your seatbelts, it will be funny in places, scary in places, but most importantly — educational.
Attention: the following text is a satirical exaggeration. Any resemblance to real forecasts is the result of neural networks that also don’t know what tomorrow will bring.
Chapter 1. The Economy: Slow but Steady Growth… Somewhere
Let's start with the main thing — money. According to the Ministry of Economic Development, GDP will grow by a whole 0.4% in 2026. Analysts at the Bank of Russia, however, are a little more optimistic — they estimate 0.6%. The International Monetary Fund was even more generous with 1.1%. It seems like a small thing, but it's nice. But if you add all these percentages together, you get about 2% — almost like in the best years! True, if you believe alternative forecasts, in the “risk” scenario of the Central Bank, GDP falls by 2.5-3.5% in 2026 and another 2-3% in 2027. But we won't look at risk scenarios, will we? We'll look at the baseline. And in the baseline, everything is fine.
Inflation, however, is a little worrying. Price expectations for the end of 2026 have risen to 6.2%, and the key rate could be 14.5% per annum. This means that loans will become more accessible… for those who have money. And if you don't have money, you just won't take out loans. Genius!
The dollar, according to forecasts, will cost about 87 rubles in 2027, and by 2029 — all 96. But don't worry, the ruble is our national currency, and it will always be with us. Even if you can't buy anything with it.
If you suddenly think that growth of 0.4% is too little, just remember: it's more than nothing. And we, by the way, also have nothing. In large quantities.
Chapter 2. Digital Ruble: Voluntary-Compulsory Happiness
From September 1, 2026, Russia begins the mass introduction of the digital ruble. Systemically important banks are required to provide their clients with the ability to work with the new currency from that date. Universal banks will connect from September 2027, and small ones — from 2028. Enterprises with a turnover of over 5 million rubles will also have to accept digital rubles from September 2027.
For citizens, as the authorities assure, use will remain voluntary. But if you don't use the digital ruble, then you most likely just won't be able to pay in half of the stores. Voluntary — it's so flexible. As Central Bank head Elvira Nabiullina reminds, “everything is ready for widespread use.” And we thought we weren't ready!
Chapter 3. Artificial Intelligence: Robots Are Coming, but Not for You
By 2026, artificial intelligence will take about 1-2% of jobs in Russia — that's about 1.5 million people. IT experts reassure: there will be no mass layoffs. It's just that 1.5 million people will suddenly realize that their work is no longer needed. But they can go work in a taxi? Oh, right, taxis now also have AI. Well, then retirement. Speaking of retirement.
From March 1, 2027, the Cabinet will determine cases when work will only be allowed on “sovereign” or “national” AI models. That is, if your neural network has not passed patriotic certification — it is outlawed. For existing systems, a deferment will be given until 2032, so you have another 6 years to explain to your neural network that it must love the Motherland.
ESIA (Unified Identification and Authentication System) — this will become your main password to life after 2026. Without it, you are nobody, and you are called nothing. Especially if you want to use some “non-sovereign” AI.
Chapter 4. Pensions: Now Automatic and Twice a Year
Good news for pensioners: from 2026, old-age insurance pensions will begin to be assigned automatically. No personal application is required — the system will calculate and accrue everything itself. True, if the system makes a mistake, you will only find out when you receive your pension… or don't receive it. But automation is cool, right!
And from 2027, insurance pensions will be increased in two stages: February 1 — based on actual inflation for 2026, and April 1 — additional adjustment. That is, if inflation is 6.2%, pensions will increase by 6.2%. And if inflation is higher — well, it will be higher. The main thing is that it's twice. It's almost like a bonus! Only without the bonus.
By the way, from 2026, restrictions on accounting for periods of caring for each child up to one and a half years in the insurance record are lifted. For the fifth and subsequent children, pension coefficients will also be accrued. For large families — respect and admiration. Especially if they live to see retirement.
Chapter 5. Taxes, Duties and Bans: Pay and Rejoice
From 2027, Russia will introduce VAT on imported e-commerce goods — first 7%, from 2028 — 14%, and from 2029 — already 22%. That is, your favorite Chinese smartphone will become more expensive gradually but surely. But a domestic smartphone… well, it doesn't exist yet. But it will definitely be there. Someday.
From January 1, 2027, amendments to the law “On the Procedure for Leaving the Russian Federation and Entering the Russian Federation” come into force. What exactly changes is still a secret. But you won't go anywhere anyway, because tickets are expensive. So don't worry.
And also from 2027, paper documentation will no longer be accepted in construction. Everything will be electronic. If, of course, the electricity doesn't go out. But we have a sovereign Internet, it never goes out. Almost never.
Chapter 6. Gasoline, Lines and “Arrivals” — Our Everything
As we remember, 2026 was remembered for gasoline shortages, lines at gas stations and a ban on fuel exports. What awaits us in 2027? According to Deputy Prime Minister Alexander Novak, “there is enough capacity.” It's just that they sometimes “partially go out for repair due to arrivals.” But don't worry, the ban on the export of gasoline and diesel, which was in effect from April 1 to July 31, 2026, may be extended. Or not. The main thing is that we have already learned to stand in lines. This is our national sport.
By the way, about “arrivals”: Ukrainian drones continue to strike refineries, but according to the authorities, this does not affect the overall picture. Well, almost doesn't affect. Except that gasoline is getting more expensive. But this is inflation, not “arrivals.”
“There is enough oil refining capacity in the country, we are fully supplied. And we even send it for export” — these words of Alexander Novak have become a mantra for everyone standing in line at a gas station.
Chapter 7. Internet by Passport: Your Digital Identity
From September 1, 2026, the norms of the law on cryptocurrencies come into force in Russia, and from 2027 — rules on restricting transfers and new identification requirements. But the main thing is that the idea of entering the Internet by passport continues to gain momentum. Deputy Chairman of the State Duma Committee on Information Policy Andrey Svintsov has already stated: “We must completely clean the entire Internet of anonymous content.” Well, get your passports ready. Or don't — you'll be identified anyway.
By the way, from March 1, 2027, a law on mandatory repair of sold equipment throughout its service life comes into force. That is, if your smartphone breaks, you can repair it. If, of course, you find spare parts. And if you don't find them, buy a new one. And pay VAT again. The circle is closed.
Chapter 8. The Bottom Line: The Bright Future Is Already Near
So, let's sum up. After 2026, Russia awaits:
- Economic growth — albeit small, but stable (at least in the baseline scenario).
- Digital ruble — convenient, transparent and almost mandatory.
- Artificial intelligence — patriotic, sovereign and only on Russian models.
- Pensions — automatic and with double indexation.
- Taxes — growing, but fair (because we pay them ourselves).
- Gasoline — expensive, but available (sometimes).
- Internet — safe, because everyone is identified.
It sounds like a plan. A plan to turn Russia into an ideal state where everyone knows their place and the state knows everyone. What could be better?
Of course, there are skeptics who talk about “risk scenarios,” about a GDP drop of 6-7%, about the dollar rising to 100 rubles and about total isolation. But we know: pessimists are just jealous of our optimism. And optimism is something that cannot be taken away from us. Even if everything else is taken away.
And remember: even this text is satire. If you decide to share it, do not forget to first identify yourself through Gosuslugi and get permission to spread irony.
Satire. All coincidences with real forecasts, laws and statements by officials are absolutely real, which makes this text not just satire, but almost a documentary chronicle. Enjoy the future!
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